13th
Opportunities
“But sometimes it takes just one person, who is truly afraid to show what they feel, getting an opportunity they never thought possible.” - Gossip Girl I’ve never truly understood this quote, simply that it’s context meant a lot to me. It light of recent events, not only was that context my own life, but it began to take on a whole new meaning. That episode of Gossip Girl ended with that quote. Blair, earlier in the season, had asked Chuck to tell her that he loved her. At that point in the series, Chuck couldn’t force those words out of his mouth, even though we all know he felt them. Later during the series, during the episode this quote was given, Chuck asked Blair to tell him that she loved him — however, Blair could not do it and refused to do it. So Chuck backed away from having sex with Blair and walked out, telling her that if she couldn’t say I love you, then he couldn’t have sex with her. In all my months of watching Gossip Girl, falling madly in love with Chuck Bass, I’ve never seen him turn a woman away when it comes to sex. He oozes sex appeal and is quite sexy himself, so when Blair lost her virginity to him during season one, I was kvelling, knowing that they would eventually be together. However, half this show is about their back and forth drama, it makes for amazing television. The point is that just in the past few days, I faced something similar. For the first time, I was given an opportunity I’ve never had before. I had looked forward to that day and had built it up in my mind, making it out to be some kind of wonderful fantasy that would come true with enough work and drive. However, when someone offered me the chance to take advantage of what I wanted, I took a step back and asked myself if that was something I really wanted. I can’t go into much detail without saying something I might not want to be read, but it was in those moments that I reflected and asked myself how could I want such a thing. I felt a mix of infuriation and excitement, all at the same time. I couldn’t believe that this chance had finally been given to me, and yet at the same time, I couldn’t believe that I had actually wanted a chance like that. I made plans, I tried to work it out, but I knew what the ending was going to be like before it even took place. My situation, while similar to Chuck and Blair’s, is of an entirely different theme. While my decision could have been summed up in one word, I spent hours trying to justify whatever I had chosen. If I said yes, it meant a whole new chapter in my life would be starting. A few nights ago, a good friend of mine said this to me, “You try to act older than your age when you should be outside lighting ants on fire with a magnifying glass. You still seem like you can keep things together when really they’re just falling apart slower than expected. You want everyone to like you and other things that aren’t coming to mind right now.” There was more to the quote and it was in response to how he thought I acted. I was hardly insulted, but insulted nonetheless. It was one of those eye-opening moments because in those three sentences I saw truth, everything that I knew was right. So when I was given a new opportunity, the chance to obtain a goal I’d been after since 2007, I took those words to heart. For a moment I wanted to act my age, to let things fall apart, and to make a choice that would obviously pit others against me. And yet, at the same time, I knew that I would be pitting myself against me. So while yes was the ideal answer, I had to say no. I could say that all my life I have been waiting for that moment, that day, that second, and truly I have. But as I remembered those words and that quote, a calming feeling washed over me and I knew that regardless of what I wanted the answer to be, that couldn’t be the answer. As I firmly believed when I made that decision, sometimes the answer is to forget the question. If you do that, sometimes you’ll be surprised by the outcome. I was. For the first time in days, life is good and order has been restored. I finally feel like me again.
